I need to find a weekend etiquette camp for a grade-school boy. I'm not naming names. I'm not even admitting I know the kid. God knows, I wouldn't want anyone to think I was related.
But the boy's sister, who long ago declared him a total-disgusting-foul-gross-pig, may have had a point.
This sister isn't even aware of the boy's latest infraction, which involves using a neighborhood lawn as a urinal. Nothing like a call from the school vice principal to break up a parent's day. Apparently, this was good for laughs among the boy and his friends as they walked home from school. So funny, they had to yap about it at school -- within ear shot of the vice principal! Just one humiliation after the next for those parents!
Up til now, the boy's grossness involved boogers, burps and other gaseous bodily emissions.
Then again, there was the incident where he was overcome by the need to hit the head, but he was in the middle of an evening bike ride, so under the cover of night, he let loose in the street before his mother could catch up to him. And, come to think of it, there were other incidents where the boy was shooting hoops in the driveway and, when the "urge" hit, instead of running into the house to use the bathroom, he ran behind the garage for relief. But this boy's house is not in woodlands. It's in the middle of a crowded block in a crowded town. When his mother found out about this, screaming was heard throughout the neighborhood.
Said boy also has a habit of using his shirt as a tissue, a napkin and a sweat band. If it's a T-shirt he's wearing, he just lifts the crew neck up to wipe his nose, face or forehead. I hear this is definitely NOT something he was taught by his parents or teachers. Again, I hear his mother has "quietly discouraged," "firmly admonished" and "gone nuclear"over such grievances.
So, this weekend, some poor, tired, strung-out woman -- who shall remain nameless! -- will be in search of an etiquette class for a very déclassé kid. It's either that or she'll instill some class via a good swift, kick in the ass.