Home Ecchh!

Sometimes there are so many events unspooling in my household, it's hard to decide which hilarity to write about.  Like many a writer, I become paralyzed with indecision and take to raiding the pantry closet while considering my options, only to deem each event unworthy of putting down the bag of buffalo wing Snyder's.
                                      
But this week, one particular event stood out.  In it, the kids made out like bandits.  Of course, I felt robbed.  But I'll press on.

For Ryan's birthday, which was only half a year ago, he received an Amazon e-gift.  It's perfect for a kid whose always pushing for more Microsoft points and Xbox games.  Somehow though, he didn't spend this gift.  Something about having lots of GameStop gift cards, birthday cash and a Machiavellian personality aided him in getting all the new gamer tags, cheats and boosts he needed.

Recently, Ryan got as far as uploading the Amazon gift code.  But he didn't want to wait for delivery of some hot new game every one of his Xbox friends from here to England was playing so he convinced me to go to GameStop: where males talk smack in inane jibberish that has nothing to do with sports or yo mama.

GameStop Worker 1: "Dude, I was so clamping his crecktar.  It was epic."

GameStop Worker 2: "That's ultra, man.  Did you transform from quagliator?"

My thought bubble: "Help me."

After absorbing that banter for the 10 minutes it took for them to serve two other customers, Ryan threw the game box on the counter for something that's rated "Not For Your 7th Grade 12-Year-Old Boy."

GameStop Worker: "It's okay that he gets this?"

Ryan, with an assured nod of the head: "Oh, yeah."

My thought bubble: "I need to leave.  I need to leave."

I just nodded numbly.

GameStop Worker: "So, buddy, you have PowerUp Rewards?  If you do your trade-ins now...."

My next thought bubble: "Oh, my god -- this store is somehow getting more boring!  Stop with the questions!"  It must be how a guy feels when he's trapped in Sephora.

The game cost $60-something dollars.  Ryan's Amazon e-gift was worth $50.

Ryan: "So, Mom, you take the Amazon money and buy yourself something, and I'll give you $10."

Me: "First of all, like I'll find time to buy something on Amazon.  Second, do you even have $10 left in your wallet?"

Ry, with a assured nod of the head, "...Maybe."





I promptly forgot about the e-gift.  Mostly because I have so many other fun places to shop, like the grocery store, Costco and Petco.

Cut to this past weekend, when the weather turned chilly here in the Northeast.

Cara: "I want to get a Snuggie!  I'm so cold!"

Me: "Didn't you mock Ryan for a solid three months last winter because he got one?  Now you want one?"

Cara: "But I want one that looks like a Harry Potter robe!  If they don't make one, I'll get somebody to make it."

Me: "So... this will be a Halloween thing?"

Cara: "Ohmigod! No!  It will be the most awesome Snuggie ever! Halloween... come on."

So there I was, doing whatever moms do in the kitchen on a rainy Sunday at dinnertime, while Cara was on her computer, doing what I thought was homework.  Suddenly she exclaimed, "Yes! I'm so doing this!"  But she didn't mean clean the kitchen, so I wasn't as revved as she was.

Cara: "There IS a Harry Potter Snuggie robe!  Can I get it?!"
                                                                              
Even though this thing isn't made by the Snuggie brand, it does bear that tres chic "oversized, backwards blanket with sleeves" look akin to Snuggie.  It also has the edgy Hogwarts emblem, shirt collar and private school tie woven into the design.

Me: "How much?"

Cara: "Well, it's $35.  But if you pay for it with your credit card, I'll give you the cash."

Me: "What cash? The cash you'll take from my wallet?"

Cara: "...Maybe."

Coincidentally, Cara found this item at a vendor for ... wait for it... Amazon.  She clicked on the purchase button and voila!, there appeared a $50 credit on our Amazon account.  Wow, how magical.  I wonder how that got there.

Cara: "Whaaat??  This was meant to be!  We have a $50 credit!"

Me: "Umm, yeah, that was supposed to be for me after I bought Ryan his Xbox game at GameStop."

Cara: "Come on -- you would never get around to using this.  And meantime, your daughter could be happy in a HARRY POTTER SNUGGIE!!  Come on, please!  Okay, I'm clicking 'Buy.'"

Did I mention that this robe is fulfilled by Amazon, and sold by This Is Why I'm Broke.com?

Now, ain't that hilarious?

Ahoy, There!

When my kids were little, I took them out on Sundays so Mike could watch the NFL games without having screaming and crying going on in the background.  I can get a little loud with that.

But now that they're older, Sunday time has taken on a new meaning.  After all, Cara will be heading to college next year.   Not only do I want to spend as much time with her as possible.  I want her and Ryan to bond over the "things Mom MADE US DO!" in an effort to foster a "sibling relationship" between them.  As opposed to the simmering hostility and sarcasm that counts as kinship now.

And I want to take Ryan out if only to get him off Xbox.  He's not allowed to play it during the week.  Or Sunday nights.  So unless we're out of the house, he's always scheming to get back on.

Last Sunday, Cara had her usual boatload of homework to do.  She couldn't come out with me and Ryan -- to take a stab at kayaking or canoeing around the Meadowlands.


Ryan: "Mom, seriously, I do NOT want to do that!"

Me: "Why not?  It's nice out, we'll be on the water.  We've never done it before."

Ryan: "Exactly!  We've never done it before and we could tip over, or get lost or some animal or giant snake could come along...."

Me: "Ry, end it.  You're done with the Xbox for the weekend.  Put on your water sandals and get in the car."

He yanked on his Nike basketball sneakers and proceeded to punctuate the short ride to the Secaucus paddling station with banter like:

--"What kind of parent makes their kid DO something like this?!  I mean, kayaking??"

--"I'm not paddling.  I'm not.  Just so you know.  You're on your own."

We passed some "Live Dinosaurs!" park on our way to the boating area.

Ry: "What's that?  I'd go to that."

Me: "We'll do that another day.  I really want to try the boating."

We got to the paddling station and told the girl that was running it that her we wanted a rental.  She told me I couldn't take Ryan out unless another adult was with us.  I swear to you, while my mouth was hanging open trying to process this rule, Ryan suddenly went from Mr. I Hate The World to Ryan, The Agreeable Chum.  The girl said, "Sorry," and made a sad face.  Ryan was like, "Aww, it's okay," and waved good-bye.

We got back in the car.

Ryan: "HA!"

Rather than make him walk home, I opted to continue my quest to keep him off Xbox, and said we could check out the "Live Dinosaurs."

                                                                               

After I paid $10 to park in what I thought was a county parking lot, Ryan decided this looked too babyfied.

Ryan: "Mom, these kids are all in strollers!"

Me: "They're not ALL in strollers.  Come on we'll just walk around and kill some time."

Ryan: "I could be home on Xbox with my friends right now.  Instead, I'm walking around with babies and strollers.  I'd rather go KAYAKING."

Of course he would.

We walked up to the entrance, and I saw a ticket window.  I have no idea why I thought this dinosaur thing was part of the county park system, other than the fact that it's located at the ENTRANCE to Laurel Hill Park, a Hudson County-owned public land.  But apparently, it's not park operated.  By which I mean, its entry fees rival Six Flags.

This place was $25 for adults and $20 for kids 12 and younger.   Plus tax.  Plus that parking fee I just paid.  I was like, "Really?  I'm going to spend $60 to keep Ryan off Xbox for two hours, so I can listen to him complain about babies and strollers the whole time??"

I went back to the parking attendant, who knew exactly why I was walking up to him, got my $10 back and told Ry we were going on a walk.

"Who does this?!  I could be on Xbox! What kind of parent FORCES their kid to walk around parks to kill time?"

Gluttons for punishment, I would imagine.
We saw a plane heading to Newark, flying so low we could clearly see its landing gear.

                                           

We saw a bunch of older dudes with mega remote-controlled planes and helicopters.  We saw a retaining wall with water and lots of small fish.

And that's when I saw THE RACCOON walking on the other side of the iron fence.  In broad daylight.  It was a teachable moment and I told Ryan to get back because it could be rabid, since raccoons are nocturnal.  And then I told him to hold the water bottle while I took a picture.

Ryan: "Oh, I have to get back, but you're getting closer to take pictures.  What if it jumps through the fence?"

Me: "Raccoons don't jump.  And it can't squeeze through the bars of this..."

Suddenly, it was through the bars of the fence.

But just as quickly it went back, eventually sauntering into the trees and down toward the river.  So I told Ry we should continue the walk.

Ryan: "My god!  We just saw a rabid raccoon.  Planes are practically landing on our heads.  What will it take to make you stop and just go back to the car??  A bear coming at us?!"

Readers, I know you're all jealous of the fun I was having.  I continued down the path, determined to get to the end, or see if it looped around, whatever.  And when I say path, I don't mean some muddy, unmarked, backwater trail.  I mean a wide path of stone pavers.  Imagine the Yellow Brick Road, only not yellow.  This was the madness I was foisting upon my youngest child.

Just was we reached the end, Ryan saw a big turtle.

Ryan: "Mom, quick, look!  A turtle!"

Me: "Wow -- that's really big!  Hold the water bottle while I take a picture!"

Again, you live you learn.  Who knew that just because turtles have no ears, they'll move as quickly as their stump legs will allow to hide from people who are yelling and running towards them?  It disappeared into the meadow reeds.

Ryan: "Great.  The ONE THING that wasn't a fail, and you don't get a picture."

Ah, I don't know.  I think we had many, many priceless moments.